Our eyes met from across the crowded room.  Had I known what our future held, I wonder if the moment would have held the same excitement.

We were sitting with a group of new hires and going around the room introducing ourselves.  It seemed serendipitous when he introduced himself.  We were going to be working together.

As we made our way to our department, the sexual tension in the air was thick.  “Hi, my name is Liv.”

“Hey, my girlfriend’s name is Olivia!  I’m Jeremy by the way.”

Girlfriend.  He has a girlfriend.  My heart dropped.

Jeremy and I immediately became inseparable despite the technicality of him having a girlfriend.  While working a minimum of sixty hours a week, we bonded over the misery of our job.  We flirted mercilessly but were careful to never cross that fine line.  We never verbally confirmed any possible feelings between us.  But I knew.  I knew by the way he looked at me.  I knew by the way he could pull me away from a group of people with a small nod of his head.  He was mine, and I was his.

Around two months into our employment, we had an offsite training our manager couldn’t prevent us from attending together.  (Our manager didn’t appreciate our comradery and tried to keep us apart at all costs.)  The training ended early, so we took advantage of the extra time and went back to my apartment.  Jeremy had a few drinks, and as he started to relax, all of his dirty secrets started to come out.

He confessed everything.  He confessed how he couldn’t stop thinking about me.  He confessed how torturous it was to be around me and not being able to do anything about the way he felt.  He confessed how he accidentally called his girlfriend Liv instead of Olivia.  She interpreted it as a term of endearment.  It was a childhood nickname only used by her family.  She had no idea he was calling her by another woman’s name.

Around this time I received a text message from my religious leader letting me know he was thinking of me.  I couldn’t help but see the irony in the timing.  Thank you, God. I received Your message loud and clear.  Tread lightly, Liv.  You’re on very thing ice.  For the rest of the day, I heeded that warning.  But I can’t say the same for a few weeks later when Jeremy sent me a message to meet him in a nearby elementary school parking lot.

He was my ultimate vice, and I couldn’t / didn’t want to resist any longer.

posted by Olivia Singleton
Filed under: Dating, Work

I’m clearly bad at blogging.  I said I was committed to getting caught up, and suddenly it is months later.  Where does time go?  The last month I clearly remember was January and then the rest of time disappeared.  March?  August?  No clue where they went.  Well, actually I do know where they went.  I was stored away in a stifling cubicle doing my accounting thing.  Very exciting.  And rewarding I might add.  (Please note the sarcasm.)

Back to where I left off…

After months of unemployment and no hope in sight of a steady income, I finally got an interview which ultimately led to a job offer.  I was hesitant about the offer for a few reasons.  First, I heard years before while still living in Utah the company wasn’t exactly the best to work for despite the magic it projects to the world.  Second, there was something very sinister going on during a set of my interviews.  Later I found out one of my future coworkers was trying to tell me with her eyes DO NOT ACCEPT THIS JOB.  Unfortunately I got the message a touch too late.

Despite my hesitancy, I took the job.  A girl has to pay her bills, right?  That’s when I got trapped in the whirlwind of slavery.  Okay, slavery is probably a little too extreme of a word, but it was terrible.  The glass ceilings were so low it was suffocating.   I was told what I could and could not wear on a daily basis down to the color of fingernail polish on my nails, the dye in my hair, and the earrings in my ears.  I wasn’t allowed to leave each day until I was dismissed.  I lost my sense of self and purpose.  In an attempt to find myself, I went through several phases during this time of my life, one of which I like to call my ‘Sasha Fierce’ phase.  I rebelled against most everything.  Nothing and no one was going to tell me what to do or how to live my life.  This led me to some interesting life experiences and making some choices I’m not exactly proud of.  I especially learned one life lesson in particular.

Don’t Poop Where You Eat.

posted by Olivia Singleton
Filed under: Unemployment, Work

I have sat down at least a half a dozen times to write this post.  Not that this post in particular has any significance.  It’s just that I have neglected my blog for the better part of a year.  Where do I even start?  Should I forget about chronicling the last year and just pick up with now? (Did I really just use the word chronicling?) But then again, what is the now without the then?

The last time I was posting consistently, I was in the process of moving to Florida.  Deciding to move was probably the biggest decision I have ever made.  I don’t think I let myself feel just how big of a decision that was.  If I had?  I’m not sure I would have made the same choice.  Now I have lived in Florida for over a year, and I’m happy.  Happier than I ever was in Utah.

Everything didn’t fall into place right away like I naively thought it would.  The job market was terrible.  Businesses weren’t looking to hire in the fourth quarter.  I went three months without so much as an interview let alone a job offer.  I kept getting the same question over and over.  When are you going to give up and come back home?  While that may have been the easier choice, I never considered going back to Utah as an option.  I was here to stay.

Three months of unemployment was hard.  In the past I had spent a lot of time fantasizing what it would be like not having to go to work every day, but it was nothing like I imagined.  It was isolating.  It was lonely.  I knew next to nobody, and that made for some sad times for me.

I eventually did find a job, and that’s where I’ll pick up on my story.

posted by Olivia Singleton
Filed under: Uncategorized

My blog.  My poor, neglected blog.  I miss my small space of self expression.  My blog is an extension of myself where I’m free and have little to no fear of retribution.  There is no other place quite like it.  The past few months have been so busy that I have had to put my blog, and in turn, a large portion of myself on the back burner.  And to be honest, I’m having a hard time with it.

Each day when I walk out my front door with my name tag and building ID in place, it symbolizes all of the aspects of myself I have to suppress.  No red lipstick or argyle tights.  No pettiskirt or boots.  All that lies ahead for the day is a life of conformity and continuous deadlines.  To be truthful, it all seems a little silly to me.  We’re all running around in a panic trying to meet self-imposed deadlines, and all for what?  Yes, life requires that we play grown-up roles when we have grown-up responsibilities.  But why do I feel like all creativity and individuality has to be suppressed in the name of conformity?

I was 18 when I started building the life I always imagined.  But at age 25, my dreams have changed and the key to the life I built at 18 is struggling to fit in the lock.  I no longer dream of being a high powered executive in an Italian satin suit.  Instead I dream of a life where I always have paint on my hands.  I dream of spending afternoons in introspection while writing a memoir.  Sometimes it is exhausting trying to force a key that was made with old dreams into a lock that is shaped by new.

That is why I feel like I owe it to myself to consider the possibility it might be time to rebuild.

posted by Olivia Singleton
Filed under: Uncategorized

I think it is safe to say I have dropped the ball just a tad with blogging.  However, change has been swirling in the air and my attention has been required elsewhere for a time.  At the beginning of the year I stepped out of the unemployment line and joined the ranks of the full-time employed.  I have to say it is a huge relief for several reasons. The biggest being I no longer have people asking me how the job search is going.  While I know everyone had the best of intentions, it got a little redundant. My feelings about this was perfectly reflected in an episode of one of my favorite TV sitcoms ‘How I Met Your Mother’.

Marshall: So Robin, how’s the job and apartment search going?

Robin: Oh, you didn’t hear? I’m a lead anchor on CNN, and I’ve got a penthouse overlooking Central Park made of gold! Get your head out of your ass, Marshall!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to tell someone to get their head out of their ass.  No, I haven’t found a job yet.  Just like I hadn’t found one the last time you asked.  Which was less than 24 hours ago. Does that seem a little insensitive?  Perhaps.  However, lets not forget I feel like telling at least one person on nearly a daily basis to pull their head out of their ass.  I felt like people figured I forgot about my need to solidify a job, and asking me daily how it was going was just a nice little favor on their part.  Trust me, I never forgot.  I never escaped from the reality that bills have to be paid.

In all seriousness though, it is a huge relief to know I am making a contribution to society.  I no longer live with the fear that someday in the near future I won’t be able to financially support myself.  And for that I am grateful.  Even if it does mean I have to wear pants on a daily basis.

posted by Olivia Singleton
Filed under: Unemployment

A few months back I wrote a guest post for my dear friend Alexis.  Before posting the words I had written, she wrote a few of her own explaining how we met.  I will always be grateful that Alexis has been a part of my life, and I think her words are a great segue into some of the things I love about myself.

“… I instantly knew we would be friends. First of all, she’s beautiful, and obviously that’s my first requirement for friendship. Then she laughed at my hideously inappropriate jokes, which is my second requirement for friendship. But seriously, this girl is smart, funny, and has a very clean car. I’m talking clean to the point of sterility–in fact, when I got in it for the first time, I asked her if it was a rental. Her OCD tendencies perfectly offset my tendency to be a complete slob, so we’re a match made in heaven.

Sadly, Olivia up and moved away from Utah about a month ago, but we still text and email and so forth. She always gets in touch with me at the perfect times, right when I need someone to just drop a line to let me know they’re thinking of me. That’s one of my favorite things about her, that she remembers to tell other people that they matter to her. Also, I love that she talks about gas.”

I love that I enjoy hideously inappropriate jokes.  I love that I have told more than a few hideously inappropriate jokes myself.  I love that I am blessed with more than my fair share of weird.  But most of all, I love that I remember to tell the people who matter to me most that they are my world.

posted by Olivia Singleton
Filed under: 30 Days of Truth

Olivia: I got a job interview!

Cody: Excellent.  Now just make sure you tell them that you know the green button is for go and the red button is for stop, and if any kids are shorter than the donkey with a stick, you know not to let them ride.

Olivia: Okay, that was rude.

posted by Olivia Singleton
Filed under: Conversations with Cody, Unemployment

An Excerpt From the TV Show ‘Modern Family’:

Alex: So… dumb guys go for dumb girls, and smart guys go for dumb girls? What do smart girls get?

Phil: Cats, mostly.

posted by Olivia Singleton
Filed under: Dating

What I hate about myself.

Oof.

We couldn’t have eased into this process with something easy like ‘tell me a little about yourself’ or ‘what’s your favorite color?’.  (Hi, my name is Olivia.  I’m weird.  My favorite color is pink because it’s undeniably feminine.) No, no.  We’re going straight for the kill.  Who is this ‘we’ I keep referring to?  I’m not really sure.  Anyway.  On to the goods.

I was an awkward child.  I probably shouldn’t be so surprised that I turned out to be an awkward adult.  But all the same, I was an awkward child.  This awkwardness was perfectly captured in a photo of me before one of my dance recitals when I was about five years old.  I was wearing a sparkling green leotard, and to complete the winning ensemble, my panties were sticking out of my leotard and red lipstick was smeared across my teeth.  (Have I ever mentioned my sheer hatred for the word ‘panties’?)  To this day I still cringe at the thought of that photo and all of the awkward years that were to follow.

Years later I made my way through middle school.  One afternoon I received a note from a close childhood friend with another friend’s name scrawled on the outside.  I tried to give back the note that wasn’t meant for my eyes, but my friend insisted it was for me.  I opened the note and cautiously read its contents that were addressed to someone else.  “I’m so glad I have a friend like you who isn’t a high watered geek like Olivia. ” It took me a moment to realize what happened.  These girls, my supposed friends and allies in life, intentionally schemed about ways to hurt me.  Now it just seems petty and an inevitable part of being a preteen girl.  But at the time it was crushing and became the beginning of a harsh trend of self-doubt.

Now at age twenty-four I can easily be consumed by that same self-doubt I was introduced to as a child.  I can be insecure but will do everything to not let you see it.  Why?  Because my mind screams that insecurity can only be interpreted as unattractive.  I question myself too often and worry about what people think too much. I don’t let myself be emotionally available to other people because the risks are too high.  Every time I get hurt, another piece of me shuts down and is no longer available for outside viewing.  “Never again,” I whisper to myself.  “Never again will I make myself available for someone else to hurt.” Now you don’t see me. Instead you see a very filtered version of me playing it safe.  And this makes me sad.  You’re missing the very essence of who I am because I’m too insecure to let you see the real me.

So what do I hate about myself?  I hate that I still feel like the little girl with red lipstick smeared on her teeth and panties sticking out of her leotard.

posted by Olivia Singleton
Filed under: 30 Days of Truth

I’ve been going through a bit of a writing slump as of late.  I have about 83 posts started, but for whatever reason I can’t seem to finish them.  So until I get that situation worked out, I figured I’d participate in something that has been floating around in the blogosphere — 30 Days of Truth.  For the next indeterminable amount of time I will be writing about each one of these topics.  I can’t promise that I will be posting a new topic thirty days in a row, but I can promise my confessions that will accompany each post will be real and quite possibly a train wreck.  Enjoy!

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most about.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments about.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (Scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone and explain why you chose all the songs.
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant? What would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself and why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself. Tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

posted by Olivia Singleton
Filed under: 30 Days of Truth